Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Big big transformation....

After 2 days of laying in bed without any motivation to get up and do something it really made me wonder... Where and why is this state of being coming for me like a dark, black cloud and taking everything, my thoughts, my soul, my motivation, my joy, my being? Where did my motivation and joy disappeared? Why I feel just simply miserable and hopeless??? Despite the fact that I am living my daily life very healthy, I eat healthy, I do sport every day, I am learning Dutch and read a lot, I am taking good care of myself than why the dark is coming again??? I know very well that is one pattern of mine I am just so fed up with it! At this time instead of being fed up with it I started to really observe it....and what I realized it just I am so OK, more than OK, I reached the top of my physical and mental conditions and now I want to really spread it around but where? I have a lot of energy and I feel that with all the things what I am doing I am just circulating back the energy to me that is why I feel I am not moving at all, instead of peace I am in a state of continuous anxiety:( Although I was looking for a place where I can volunteer, where I can work, help but I don't find it..it seems that this door is not opening for me.
Last weekend I met my very close Hungarian friends here in Amsterdam by accident, and it was so nice to spend some time with them after a long while and they said that they are missing me and they made me think that we can do some projects again together...and I remember 3 days ago I had a chitchat with my Mom and she said that in Hungary some people are really got interested in what I am doing and they want to do projects with me...I think that was the time when I got fucked. At that night I cannot sleep and I had a very very strong insight that I have to return HOME! My inner voice was really shouting with me. It really touched something in me.
I am really grateful for this time what I could spend here in the Netherlands with myself. I completely transformed. I feel I am ready to go back to my roots, to my real home where I truly belong.
I feel very grounded in what I want to create. I truly believe that returning back home I will find my possibilities and the supporting environment what I need to create my plans.
So just a few months to go, but at first I am so much looking forward to do cooking, my projects again. Until the start -20 November - I just want to enjoy my being without any worries and anxiety!!! Most probably I go home in February....when I finish everything.
This is the conclusion and the dark cloud started to vaporise BUT to arrive to this turning point I asked for help so I started to watch really amazing and inspiring talks on TEDx. It s worth spreading it!

                                         https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpe-LKn-4gM
 














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5 comments:

  1. snagyi130 October 2013 at 12:06

    Zsuzsinkám, mi van veled???
    Ez nem te vagy. Miért lettél depressziós??
    Úgy gondoltam, irásaidat olvasva, hogy megtaláltad, amit szeretnél csinálni, jól érzed magadat, bár nem minden írásodat értettem, hiszen nálunk sok dolog ismeretlen /ételek, gondolatok/.
    Gyere haza, ha nem érzed jól magadat, de itthon ne legyél bús.
    Kellene egy jó partner, hosszú távon, ha Cs....i az, akkor az, ha nem, akkor más, akivel talán családot is alapíthatnál .
    Nagyon szeretlek és én is bánatos vagyok, ha Te is az vagy.
    Gondol néha erre is: Mammmmmma

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  2. Suzy30 October 2013 at 12:31

    Szia Mamma! mar nem vagyok szomoru, de bizony ez is en vagyok es nekem is vannak szar napjaim, de ezek a szar napok is hozzam tartoznak! es igenis sokat tanitanak!!! ugy erzem, hogy megkaptam amiert ide jottem, es a mostani atalakulasom vegehez ertem. Par napja jott a belso hang nagyon erosen, hogy haza akarok menni, mert otthon van otthon!!! ugyhogy nagyon is pozitivan allok elebe!!!! millio puszi

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  3. Mari30 October 2013 at 13:15

    I read beautiful african saying today: "Don't go back to old watering place just for water. There are waiting your friends and dreams."
    I like the way you are looking for your path :) you are listening, observing and asking yourself. And what I love the most is observing changes in your life and in your heart... You are not intimitade to try something new if it's not working!!!
    I look forward to hear more news!!! :) take care!

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  4. Unknown30 October 2013 at 23:45

    Kedves Barátném!
    Imádom a gondolataidat, közel hoz hozzám!!! Írjál sokat!!!
    millio ölelés: Viki

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  5. Anonymous31 October 2013 at 00:27

    Suzy! That's a great decision! We (your friends) love You so much, and we're waiting for your arrival at Home, in Hungary! Kisses! Niki <3

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